This State...

Can i do this in my state? Can i even stay awake? Can i unbury feelings from yesterday's breath? No we cant talk about death, unless my body is gone but my memory lingers ad last oh forlorn. Then i cant be so torn, therw is only one fate and im acting irate if i cant get my way then what am i? What state am i in? Where am i within, i cant make my mind to the fates that doth spin...their web to the lives of the simple thats sinned. Now back to this state, i cant face this fact, that i dont know that upside downn is my life through the stained looking glass. Will i be straight? Can i just wait for the facts to come through on this late of a date. But its tearig apart, the facts of reality; now im really mad at me. I cant forgive myself i dont wanna reach insanity, its stressing me out i cant think oh so loud, i cant open my mouth. No words form, feelings torn, can i stand by myself when i was warned? But why did i do that? Go and pursue that? Do dumb shit when i knew what would come from that; now im looking back and regretting everything. But the doctor comes in, the paper in his hands i just hope this is a prank and hear ZING! But the worst is the news an i felt it brew with the time i was waiting. And in myself hating the lump in my throat. Now my eyes have gone ghost as the tears well up and theyre sinking my boat. The results to my face and he comes to slow pace and says yours wont be the only babyface.

Wait...

This drink goes down and it burns all down my throat, but I dont wince don't blink don't choke. Feel like a pothead inna row smoking dope not passing still sitting lasting but am I sober will I get there? Huh?; nope! Drinking for hours y'all think it's sour, this droozy feeling is me coming down from my tip coming down to quick. If I don't get another shot too soon imma get mad quick. See it bothers me so, like I'm turning to blow but I can't touch the stuff from who I seen go. From the lines to the sacs, then they bagging it back its an unending cycle at going to that. Stay with my addiction, but damn you see friction? Its not easing the tension and its rough and condensing. Thought it was getting worse, oh hey there's a hearse...hold on its not for me I can't handle this work. Wait a minute, wait a smidgen this really can't be I was just at the bar with my drink happily. Did I black out? I thought I was home, with my pants on the floor wallet next to my phone. Now if this was a dream then how can I see myself looking down at myself and admiring me. Or him? But wait I thought I was looking at me? Aren't I peaceful laying under a sheath? Wait again, where is this going where am I going? Am I still asleep or watching a vid quick of me? But hey who puts makeup on a guy, I'm on a steel table; why? Can't make out this part of the dream and it doesn't look familiar at all see, why? Hi, I think I got stood up was someone supposed to come meet me? The only time I've seen something like that is on a cold dead body....*pause* Okay, i know im being vague but this is so strange, am i dead? Am i casper? My head feels the same. Its ALIVE!.... No its not they were moving my wrist. Thats all they better move and nothing passing my hips, what is that on my lips? Oh its makeup again... Ive been the only one talking, not a fly not a friend. Is anyone else admiring me? Under the light like that...skin so smooth...sorry the makeup did that. But back to the question ive been kinda down some...am i drunk? Having a dream? Or hallucinating? Hey wait!, is that really me? I thought i was a black guy with braids hair to be, this guy on the table looks real charred to me. He is black i mean but not what i mean, i mean burnt like my toast in the toaster to be eaten by myself see. But i wont eat it all, the toast is too small when i take a bite i miss my fingers; eeek! Hey wait, im getting off track and this is getting wack. Hold on this cant be my awesome body... Those arent my teeth! Thats not me!

The Pain I Feel

Through the narrowing sands, through the tight crevases. Down under the stones, that go left uncovered... I cant find my way underground see i dont remember my past or who ive seen or who ive had a relation. the broken glass through the mistakes ive lost and past the burdens ive bared. Oh i think i domt care, but wait is that pain i feel oh i cant bear the touch. Blood is the only way to heal. Oh wait please tell me...is that pain i feel? From the surface gone, i cant tell whats different inside me. The pain or the healing...but what i feel inside is gonna keep eating a nice melancholy feeling is what i should feel inside...but im reaching to high oh no there goes my vein open bleeding. Thought i was fine thought i was sad; no not this time im not mad. But i cant feel my arm....but wait whats wrong im not sure?...my left side has gone numb oh boy...the darkness again less pain im sure.

amnesia...

I remember the days you told me you wouldn't leave, Also the days the strokes took over and you couldn't feel your face. To feel The pain I'm feeling and tears falling down my face, I can only use the pain of loss to get through my daily struggles. It is of your remembrance that pains, hurts, and holds me back from everything I want to see. So call me guilty if amnesia is the only option I've found to ease my pain so blissfully. You've left your legacy in your children times over with different lives hurt and motivated 10 times over. But even though I want to be stricken with amnesia to forget the hurt I feel, your memory is more than that of a amnesiatic/drunk episode. Your memory is that of a legacy, a start to a finish or ending to a story that hasn't yet been said. There is no ending to what you have started your blood flows on to what was and what is. Your memory is what rings on to who calls you and thinks of you. The only thing is the pain that's felt when the thought is brought on. Amnesia is the only choice to forget the pain, but would you be willing to forget every loving memory for less than 5 seconds of pain?

Where Am I?...

What am I without you? Where am I without thee? If I don't have you there next to my side what do I have next to me? I follow our daily routine, for we used to do the same every fortnight to a tee. Wine drinking to ease our souls, Talks of the days stressors no matter how each gets bold. But when you leave what do I have? What must I do? I have to accommodate to my own schedule and accord. Moving as such as if there is something missing that I cannot afford... What is it? What may it be? Can anyone tell me once I move around maybe people will tell me where it may be... No? You've never seen her? My other half my companion? Then maybe I may not know what is happening. I can't think of who can remember her...I just go back to where we used to hang out and meet. People recognize my name...but can't recognize her and greet. But why it is not a lie I can't go through this pain alone and it won't subside. I loved her and she loved me but wherever I go no one can remember the one but me. I'm not passing to be senile, people give me grievances, also they say I'm sorry and check if I'm in need of things. I can't recall when's the last I've seen her or been and walked with her last.... But I know whatever I remember everyone else does better than I have a days past.

Im Really Not Fine...

Everyday I wake up to your memory for what we had from yesterday and also from yester year see, I follow my same routine my day to day; to follow what we did that day. We may go to lunch we may go out after work, But what about the workout the jogs around the pier and such? I don't want to call this amnesia or forgottence of what was or could've been, but I seem as though I've done this all before with someone else. I've come to this place with someone before...I've come to this bar also...but have I been here by myself? It all seems too familiar but if I sit long enough can I hear her? A movie that I've seen thrice before is what baffles before my eyes, But why do I feel so empty what is missing not out but from the inside... Why do I not feel fine? Why is something missing? I can't put anything on it nor why I can tell whybmy temper is pissing.

Rain.

The Rain is a symbol to some of sadness, but can't it be something different to one you havn't met? Put it in perspective, put your mind somewhere you've never went. Why does the meaning have to be sad? Why can't it be worthwhile? I mean it helps grows flowers, plants, vegetables, and more for you child. See the rain as god's blessing and tears, if they weren't around the world would be barren and clouded with more fear. Appreciate what the world has given you, whether it be rain, sun, and especially food. Within an instant it can be taken quick away from you. Then your life looks bleak more and more to you. And when you turn to pray you find out the truth, within his message are the words right before your eyes. Look at a coin from both sides, its either you have a sunny day or a rainy surprise. But with the bigger picture, aren't you glad you have a coin as long as you're alive?